YOU GOT A PAIR ON YOU

Like many people watching tv, at least according to published ratings, I am enjoying the new streaming show The Last of Us on HBO. If you're unfamiliar with it, the premise is that in a post-apocalyptic world one person has been shown to be immune to the condition that has killed the majority of the world's population and turned a bunch of the remainders into zombies. It's a fairly standard science fiction trope, though with the twist that the infection was fungal not viral or bacterial. It's based on a video game.

The show is well done and entertaining, and features a few of my favorite actors.

Bella Ramsey, Anna Torv

So why the fuck and I writing about a tv show that, at least so far, is decidedly nonsexual and features zero nudity? (Again, at least so far..) There was a line delivered by actor Anna Torv's character Tess in the first or second episode which grated on my nerves and has stuck with me.

One of the characters, the one who is immune to the disease, is a 14 year old girl named Ellie, played by Bella Ramsey. 

She does something daring and earns a compliment from Torv's seasoned and hard-as-nails Tess: "Wow, you've got balls."

(Or something like that.)

Okay, so I don't want to be all woke and open minded and 21st century about this, but that caught my attention and pulled me completely out of the storyline.

For men, testicular fortitude (aka "You got balls") is something that has been a euphemism for bravery since, well, probably since some ancient caveman stared down a saber-toothed tiger that had wandered into camp. That would take balls, no doubt.

But is it really complimentary to tell a woman - particularly a young one - that it requires a part of the male anatomy in order to be particularly brave and respected? Seriously, do you want to be the person to tell Wonder Woman she's got balls? You'll probably lose yours right after.

Lots of options

Don't get me wrong: I'm quite fond of what is left of my testicular anatomy. My balls have always been something Ive appreciated and - before testosterone treatment - had a decent set of. And yes, there have been times when I "had balls" when dealing with something intimidating.

But in the modern era of bad-ass women - women like Torv's Tess - shouldn't there be a corresponding element of the female anatomy that also represents fortitude and bravery? The natural equivalent, of course, are ovaries.

No balls required

And ovaries have the qualities we're looking for. They are, very literally, the equivalent of testicles. (Balls and ovaries develop from the same anatomy in embryos, starting as ovaries which descend into the scrotum and become testicles. No shit, look it up.) They create the eggs that every single human required to be conceived. It's no surprise that the egg plus what's made in balls are the combination that leads to babies being born.

So ovaries have every bit the anatomical impact balls do - in fact, the ovaries have one superpower balls lack: they have the common sense to protect themselves. Balls are actually a point of vulnerability for a man. (A later episode of The Last of Us has a man brought down by exactly such a brutal moment. It wasn't pretty.)

So "Ovaries" have the right aspect and impact to be considered every bit as respectable and complimentary as "Balls."

Yes, there are other quite pleasant features of womanhood, but telling a woman "Wow, you got boobs" just doesn't have the same impact. Nor does "That's showing 'em some uterus."

But "You've got some ovaries" has a decent ring, though "ovaries" is more the equivalent of saying "You've got some testicles." As far as I can tell, there's no "balls"-adjacent euphemism for ovaries. (If there is, please enlighten me in comments below.)

Has balls...

So I went to the authorities. In this case an article on slang terms for the female anatomy on stack exchange. Okay, so I googled "slang terms for ovaries" and that's what came up. And the article really didn't help.

...doesn't need 'em

So, I considered euphemisms for the vagina and/or uterus, but nothing really leapt out - if you'll forgive the imagery. There are a lot of them, mostly demeaning. ("You pussy!" "What a cunt!")

Personally, I strongly object to using the word "cunt" in pretty much every circumstance, so that one's out. And none of the potential terms really gives the same complimentary oomph as saying a guy has balls.

So, "You got ovaries" will have to do for the time being. At least for me. I have no illusions that the rest of society will follow suit.

But damn, given the original scene and the subsequent handful of episodes, that girl Ellie has a helluva set of ovaries.