AH NUTS

In college I had a girlfriend who was utterly fascinated by the fact that testicles move. 

For the uninitiated, the evolutionary design of our balls is to enable the production of sperm, which requires temperatures a bit below the normal body temp. The solution is to have the testes hang just outside the body cavity, cooling them just enough that they can freely produce copious amounts of swimming tadpoles, who, ideally, will race hellbent towards an ovum once they're deposited in a uterus.

Okay, so much for the technical. Our balls hang outside the body, but since outside conditions change they can drop and contract, pulling, as necessary, free of the body when you're in warmer conditions such as a beach in Barcelona or a sauna in Sweden.

Chill dude

Conversely they can contract, as in the classic Seinfeld episode in which George screams "shrinkage" when a woman sees his chill-reduced package. The testicles pull up tightly against the body hoping to share some of the warmth.

The muscle that has the job of tensing and relaxing is called the cremaster. It contracts to pull the nut up, and relaxes to let the nut fly free and easy. That's also why the scrotum, the sac that holds the testicles and associated systems, also can contract skin-wise to protect and warm the nuts.

(A common test of the muscle's response is to run a pen up the inside thigh, near the testicle. You should be able to see the testicle retract a bit in response.)

The process also protects the balls against injury - or occurs as a result of injury - and plays a role in ejaculation. Watch closely and you'll see them get pulled tightly against the body right before cumming. It's a sign many people have employed to avoid the splash zone if so desired.

After surgery a couple years ago, in which the doctor cut out my left spermatic cord from the top of the testicle itself to the abdominal wall, my left nut pulled tightly against my body and stayed that way for several months as it healed. It slowly got better and over time has again started rising and dropping according to temperature and outside conditions. Scar tissue also needed to be broken down to allow the nut to move more freely. 

(This is an ongoing thing, and the scar tissue is still causing problems, but more about that on a different, future post.)

But back to my girlfriend. We'd had sex and were in a post-coital position, talking about things. We were head to toe, and she was facing me, watching my balls as they moved around post-ejaculation. To the best of my memory, it went something like this:

"They're moving. Are you doing that?"

"Uh, no. They do that on their own."

"Really? I never noticed that before. Does every guy do that?"

As much as I wanted to say no, just me, I had to reply "I'd think so. Yeah."

"But it's not like your dick. That moves because it's excited. These are just moving around."

"Yeah. Weird."

"It's so cool."

And so on. And for the remainder of our connection, about a month, she loved to lie around afterward watching them move. She'd touch them periodically, or cup them to get them to respond. And more than a few times she wanted to masturbate me in order to watch the entire ejaculatory process, an education I was more than happy to provide.

"What's this do?"

(Looking back, I kind of wonder what her field of study was. Was she a researcher? Wish I could remember.)

(The odd thing is, this woman had been with several guys at this point. Not a slut, I don't mean that, but she was sexually active - as we all were. She was nothing like the very naive girl I went to see Caligula with. This woman simply hadn't paid attention to what was going on with the man's body other than cleaning themselves up afterward. Apparently I was the first guy she dated who enjoyed lying around naked after sex. To paraphrase Bugs Bunny "She don't know me vewy well, do she?")

In the interim between then and now I've been forced to learn the details of male anatomy and how it works. From a medically defensive standpoint, I've come to understand far more than that college kid who simply enjoyed the carnal functions of the human body. His and everyone else's. 

But with understanding comes appreciation. I enjoy being male. I enjoy having a penis and balls, as troublesome as the little bastard on the left has been. And as I've lost weight I've rediscovered some lost anatomy and sensations that go along with being more fit.

Men's workings are pretty straightforward and - for the most part - maintenance free (unless you're my individual anatomy). Women deal with far more discomfort and inconvenience than we guys do. 

The Mystery Machine

It occurs to me that I have no concept of what it would be like to be entered by a man (or sex toy) - and no, I haven't had anal, but that's not the same in any case. To have a uterus designed to take something in, versus a penis designed to "go places," a penis which hangs freely and changes form in sometimes dramatic ways, for me the uterus is an experience I cannot get a sense of. I love pleasuring them and think I do a good job, and seem to know my way around the anatomy, it's nothing like having one and intimately knowing the sensations. Does the female pulsing orgasm feel much like its corollary, the male ejaculation. Somehow I doubt it.

The vagina and uterus seem far more passive about sex than a penis does, although they too swell with blood, and warm up, not to mention the vital lubrication response. I am assured female sexual response is a wonderful sensation, I just don't have a reference on it any more than a woman who has to take a man's word where the best sensations in a cock can be found.

(Yes, the uterus changes in far more dramatic ways during pregnancy. Don't get me wrong. I'm referring instead to common everyday - I wish - sexual circumstances, not a handful of times in a lifetime events.)

Yikes. My female readers may not like my clumsy way of thinking. It's 5:30 in the morning and I haven't had coffee.

If I've gotten myself in hot water it's for my testicles benefit. Yeah. That's my story.

Ah, nuts.