INTIMATE FRIENDS

There's a forum I frequent upon which a variety of sexual topics are discussed.

Recently one of the members started a thread asking about Best Friends and how much they know about your sex life. Excellent topic, and it received a virtual spectrum of responses ranging from "we never discuss sex and it's none of their business" to "yeah, he/she knows just about everything."

Which brings me to the topic of intimacy. How close are you and your closest friends? And how do you measure it?

To me the first response above of "we never discuss sex and it's none of their business" is a sad one. It means, to me, that you don't really have the sort of deep bond and intimate trust that, again to me, is a requirement of those closest friendships.

(For the purpose of discussion I'm eliminating spouses and romantic partners. They, obviously, are the very people who you can have those intimate conversations. In this column I'm reserving my thoughts for close, non-romantic friends with whom you can be frank, open and at-times literally naked with.)

In my own life I have a handful of very close friends. People with whom I can discuss almost any topic. This ranges from my best buddy, with whom I can talk freely and with whom I've shared dozens of conversations while stark naked in the jacuzzi, the kitchen, or on the couch ... to a woman I know and love (platonicly) who knows my deepest sexual thoughts and has posed nude for my camera on at least one occasion ... to my physical therapist who listens to me rambling on while he works on some pretty intimate scar tissue.

And that, to me, is the mark which elevates a good friend to the over-used definition of "best friend".

Have we talked about sexual things, and have you seen me naked or vice versa? Mental intimacy, emotional intimacy, and a casual physical intimacy.

Looking back on a lifetime of intimate friends, those seem to be the marks of the people I am most connected with, most able to loosen up and actually exchange deep and perhaps controversial thoughts. I've had sexual partners which were casual friends, and I've had casual friend s who have never seen me, or I've never seen them, in the altogether. I've had buddies with whom I'd shower at the gym, but never dream of talking about personal things.

I gotcha, dude.

In college I had two male buddies with whom we developed an intimate form of contact, which deepened our bonds but was, at the time, socially over the top for most guys. (Our gestures consisted of casual but intimate contact meant to convey non-verbal support when a guy was going through rough times. Never overt or played up, just a gesture. A hand on an arm. Cuddling with one guy leaning back on another guy's chest and a hug. A gentle direct nudge to the crotch, or hand high up on the inside thigh resting against his bulge. It may sound off, but for us it wasn't sexual, it was supportive in an intimate way. We never sat down and codified it, it simply grew as an aspect of our friendships being more intimate that simply three-clap hugs, which were common for guys back then.)

So it's a very specific group of people I have, over the years, become attached to as "best friends". People with whom no subject is off limits (particularly after a drink or two on my part), and they know my thoughts as intimately as I know theirs. They are people who listen, with the art of listening which requires them to pay attention and not concentrate on what their next comment is going to be versus hearing yours and responding (and we all have friends who fit that latter category).

Or, as we used to suggest in college: "The people who have seen the underside of your dick." (Our actual phrase was "But, has he/she seen your frenulum." It seemed so...medical.)

So...who are those friends with whom you can talk about anything? Who have been so open you've seen them undressed, or have seen you? Not sexually; conversationally. People who feel as comfortable around you as you might be around them.

Inevitably those are the long-term friendships, relationships which define your life. They are the friends who will steady you, support you, and sometimes offer a gentle slap upside the head when you need it. The people you might actually have sexual banter with, but aren't romantic. Fuck buddies, for example.

Someone who knows you better than almost anybody else and accepts you for who you are, who is willing to listen to you talk about what turns you on, what makes you whole. And doesn't run screaming from the room if they happen to walk in on you naked.

That's a Best Friend, and I'm lucky to have a few.