THE AESTHETICS

(Pics, as usual, are not of me. Not quite ready for that. Maybe in a few months...)


For the last few months I've been talking about how my weight loss and testosterone injections have impacted me from physiological standpoint. But as the weight comes off and my physical condition improves I'm also getting a lot more confidence and, frankly, physical coordination. (For example: As a long-ago dancer being fat impacted how I would assume my body would move. And as I'm losing the weight the damned thing is beginning to follow my instructions much more effectively. Who knew?)

As my muscles respond - despite still being covered with a nasty few layers of fat - I am becoming more thoughtful about my physical appearance.

By getting more fit and confident I'm caring a lot more how I look. 

"Nah, I'll keep my clothes on..."

It isn't that I didn't care while I was more overweight, it's that taking pride in my appearance seemed remote and unseemly. I wasn't proud of my appearance so didn't feel like trying to "put lipstick on a pig." (That's a metaphor. I don't wear lipstick.)
 
But it's taken on meaning again. I feel good when I wear clothes, and it's a fantastic feeling. And I feel even better when I don't wear them. I'm still far from sexy or sexually appealing, but I'm sensing I'm headed in the right direction.

And as a result, I'm doing a few little things which make me feel nice. I've mentioned that I like to swim, and can do it in the buff given our yard's privacy. I am the sort of person who actively dislikes wearing a bathing suit - the weight of the current men's fashionable suits as well as the utterly uncomfortable way they bag and cling when you get out of the water is a deterrent to me. And Speedos, despite being much more sensible, are an aesthetic no-go, particularly on a fat old man.


So I swim in the nude and enjoy it. It's a little solitary. My wife wears a suit, and feels that when other people visit I need to as well. (The exception is my best friend. Our wives stay inside while we cavort. It's kind of absurd that our wives still actively avoid seeing my buddy and I naked. We've been friends for three decades and neither my friend nor I could care less if the women see us, but it's the wives' comfort with nudity, not ours, which must prevail. We've told them that, but they still hide.)


As a result of being out in the sun on a regular basis this Summer I'm getting a light tinting to my skin. Not a tan, but a healthier tint to my pasty white flesh. And an allover tan is - in my opinion - a very cool thing. It's a natural tint versus artificial tan. It reaffirms, to me, I'm comfortable enough to go naked in the sun...gently filtered through pool water, of course. And on a daily basis.

(I used to tan quite well, and sported an allover tan in college courtesy a friend's pool and yard, and monthly trips to a nude beach down the coast. And yes, my dermatologist has checked me out regularly and simply said if I lay out to use a sun block.)(Everywhere.)

I was raised in perhaps the last-gasp days when the YMCA still permitted nude swimming. When it was okay for boys - I was a scout - camping in the woods to romp around in the buff, or swim in a local stream naked. Or even our scout leaders' back yards.

When men, or males of any age to my point, weren't all upset and covering themselves in fear someone else might see their genitals.

(I'm not talking about malicious flashing or other sexual misbehavior. That's repugnant. I'm referring to simple and appropriate non-sexual nudity between guys, and at times, consenting adults of any gender. The key word is consensual.)

So I learned to love to be naked in the water. That swimming naked, particularly with other guys, was not only okay but a bonding thing. It felt good and freeing, and was part of the aesthetic of coming to understand and appreciate the body we're all born into (male or female, the same lesson applies). I hate the culture which causes anyone to question, doubt and be embarrassed by their body. I am as prone to it as anyone. So getting into the sun and into a physical activity is a major factor in my physical "recovery".

It's a cool reaffirmation that keeps me on track to continue my regimen. I love the sensation of swimming - it's a separation from the daily grind in a way. A different world. The pool is just off the master bedroom. When I first started losing the weight and swimming I'd walk onto the deck in shorts and a shirt, dropping them near the steps. Now I undress in the bedroom and carry my towel outside to the pool.

It's not exhibitionism - there's no one to see me besides the dog and occasionally my wife.

It's not nudism - I swim naked and lay out to dry, but the clothes go back on once I'm done. (Laying in the sun nude is a wonderfully relaxing thing. I limit my time to drying off, but genuinely enjoy the sensation of the sun's warmth and light on my skin.) 

Hanging out with friends

And it's not sexual - On a few occasions I've boned up with a semi if my wife swims with me, but otherwise it's completely free of sexual excitement. And even if she's in the pool nothing happens, so I lose the chub and we go on playing.

I think it's all due to the confidence I'm building, and the swimming itself is contributing to my conditioning. This, in turn, builds the muscle and gives me that resurgent pride in my appearance. Looking back I am a bit surprised at how much my level of fitness contributed to my pride in my appearance. It seems like a no-brainer, but when you begin that long descent into obesity it's something you lose track of and mentally simply disappears from your radar. The mind of a fat person can be a very dark place.

When I was much younger and physically fit I was a different person. Flirty. Reassured. Happier in a few ways. Certainly sexually attractive, and dressing that way. Acting that way.


As well as robbing me of my health and well being, my fat robbed me of that core person I used to be. It's a fascinating, and somewhat depressing revelation. All I can think of is how much time was wasted. (Pun noted but not intended.)

The Allover Tan

But being fat is far more than eating too much or not exercising enough, no matter WHAT the fitness industry tells you. Those are symptoms, not causes. The cause is usually between the ears, and sometimes it's medically sourced. One can cause the other. And in my case a drop in testosterone was a contributor that, once rectified, let me re-find that inner strength and path to fitness.

As I've noted, there's a long way to go - 45 more pounds - but my newfound interest in my appearance is helping me stay on track. Not egotistically, not as a lesson in vanity, but confidence-wise.





And it's really something I'm enjoying.