IN SEARCH OF...

So, a hundred or so posts in, a friend who reads my blog asked me "what's your end game for this? What do you want out of all this?"

Legit questions.

So it set me thinking. For the most part these entries are therapy. What's on my mind and what I'm experiencing at any given moment. The focus shifts, changes according to current circumstances, so what, ultimately, am I searching for?

Yeah.

It's complicated.

But good question. There are a number of aspects to the answer, and I reserve the right to change my response in the next day, week, hour, moment.

I want to recapture, at least a bit, of the unbridled me that I was almost forty years ago. The freedom, the pleasure, the self-absorption.

I want to feel sexy. Not sexual, sexy. I want some eroticism back in my life. I want to feel like my physicality is important. 

Fundamental to this is the understanding that all expectations are not sexual. I am embracing and pursuing sexiness versus sex. Erotic versus carnal. Kind of the difference between being a flasher and simply being uninhibited. The flasher's intent is to inflict, the uninhibited's intent is to be open and honest.

(I honestly think the flasher is there to get off through victimization. I  hate that, and believe what they do is assault. My approach is much like the nude artist I used to work with: a way to be more honest and open about myself. A mutual thing. I would never "flash" someone,  but if we can bond a bit more through nudity - such as the relationship I have with my best male friend - more power to us. If I'm nude it's not for a momentary "gotcha," it's because it's comfortable.)

So, for me, the answer is still under debate, but it comes down to wanting to be physically fit and once again proud of my body. Yes, ego. THAT is why I'm working out. Fasting intermittently. Eating keto and forgoing sugars and many starches. My end goal is to feel nice about myself. To feel sensual, not sexual. To feel erotic, not dirty old man. To get a glance, even fleeting.

Yeah. 60+. But I can believe at this point, I've accomplished a lot. Friends will tell me it's not important. That I'm being unrealistic and self-absorbed, but this is MY therapy, and it is what my end goal is.

I know I won't look 23, but can I be a physically attractive 60 year old. I think so.

Short story: Years ago there was a place in west Los Angeles. A store called "Jazz'd" which, among other items featured a line of heavier t-shirts with the arms cut off. They exposed the shoulders of the wearer ands had a deeper neckline so the upper part of the chest was exposed. Being a dancer, these were excellent for rehearsal and accentuated the wearer's body in a flattering light.

(I tried to find an image of the shirts, but they seem to be lost to the mists of history. Similar to the one to the right though not as long and with a lower neckline.)

I was well known for wearing Jazz'd sweatshirts to dance practice, to the point it became a joke if I wore a regular t-shirt. I like the flattering look, and the fact it accentuated my arms and, through a tight fit, my chest, I enjoyed the looks from women. I also wore shorts, to show off my legs. Yes, I had an ego.

(I can remember one fundraiser our dance group held which featured among other things Jazz'd-inspired t-shirts with the sleeves cut off, which one other guy and I modeled in the quad in the t-shirts and short-shorts at our university. We sold quite a few of them.)

"Ew, gross! Put a shirt on!"

I face the reality of being 60+ years old. I face the reality of sex being an activity consigned to the past. I accept that few, if any, people want to see me with my shirt off, let lone nude. At least at the present.

What I hope for is that someday soon people won't wince when I take the shirt off. That women wouldn't mind if I wear a little less clothing. That I don't come across as creepy or different.

I've mentioned that I just enjoy those moments when I am nude and my wife is dressed, and it goes uncommented upon. There's a comfort there, a reassurance. That she enjoys it as much as I do. And that it's just a moment of intimacy, not sexuality.

A long way to Tipperary, but getting there

And that, even just a bit, I can once again feel a little sexy. I want to be - as shallow and vain as it sounds -someone who gets a second glance. Don't we all? And don't we all deserve it, regardless of our bodies? Regardless of our age?

But that's not where we are as a culture.

So it's not about erections, though they're nice. It's not about sex, which is effectively off the table anyway. It's not about fucking or sucking or flashing. It's not about stripping, not about teasing.

It's about being seen naked and having the other person think "nice." Or getting the same reaction even when dressed. About comfort and confidence. 

Not there yet. But it's in my sights.

Sexy Senior Citizen anyone?