IT'S JUST THE ME OF ME

An aspect of my continuing weight loss/fitness regimen is some building excitement for this upcoming Summer season. For the first time in decades I'll feel comfortable taking off my shirt at the beach or at pool parties. Oddly enough, even though I am comfortable being fully nude around other (consenting) people in private, that strangely doesn't translate to comfort being shirtless in public places. I'm sure that psychologists have an explanation or at least a term for it, but I have - had - a mental discomfort with being overweight and topless in public for decades based on poor health and body image.

It's part of the ongoing psychological examination I'm still doing, despite the six decades of trying to understand who I am. That's the core purpose of this blog, of course, so hopefully it isn't too repetitive.

This year has been particularly good as far as showing me that my self-esteem is based not on how I'm perceived by others, but how much I feel I successfully present myself to others as the person I am.

Does that make sense?

Years ago I was part of a group of friends discussing whether or not our personalities change when we're around different people. One side of the discussion felt that you have only one personality, and that aspects of that personality are brought out under different circumstances. Kind of the difference between being reserved in a business meeting and being boisterously outrageous when drunk in a bar. According to some in the group, it's different stimuli bringing out different parts of you.

And others of us felt that your personality changes, and that those two scenarios are indications of how we modify our personality under different circumstances. 

As I've discussed repeatedly here, at my core I'm pretty much a bohemian hedonist. I enjoy the indulgences of life, whether it's a great glass of wine, a really rich French pastry, a deep tissue massage, or lounging in our hot tub. Frankly, I'd bet almost everyone would. 

And with my improving physical condition I've learned that those things are fine, in moderation. It's indulging in those things with some frequency that got me to a very unhealthy place in my life.

Age also plays a role in my changing lifestyle. I've become more self-assured as a result of simply realizing that there are a lot of external things I used to put importance on that really don't matter in the long run. That, in turn, reinforces my self-assurance. Once you recognize that other people shouldn't be defining you it's remarkably freeing. (The exceptions, of course, being those people whose opinions you value based on the knowledge they're looking out for you, not trying to tear you down. My wife and closest friends are that group. Some asshole detractor on the internet is not.)

I was talking to a friend who heard me complain about not yet being in as good condition as I want to be, and she noted that being obsessed with that sort of physicality at our age was pretty purposeless. And I agree with that, but have enough of an ego that - for example this Summer - when I take off my shirt it's because I'm happy with how I look. 

I've promised myself a few things, helping motivate me for the continuing drive towards health. When I achieve certain milestones I will give myself a reward. (Frankly, the keto/intermittent fasting and exercise have become pretty ingrained, suggesting I'll achieve my goal.) 

At one major milestone, which I am *this close* to making, I have promised myself a trip to a nude beach, something I haven't done since my early twenties. One of the most indulgent pleasures for me is laying in the back yard sunning, but the sound of surf and a cool ocean breeze would certainly enhance the experience.

In three months my wife and I are headed for a vacation in Europe. The land of indulgence, in a way. I plan to lose at least another twenty pounds by then, bringing me within ten pounds of my final goal. And if I'm successful my prize will be eating and drinking whatever I want on the trip (I'll probably do that regardless), getting a massage and hitting the beach in a major way.

This could be a brilliant Summer, and I'm doing everything I can to prepare for it.

___________________

Health update: I had my "physical" this last week. Everything appears to be good other than some elevation of my blood sugar, which is interesting given I haven't eaten sugars and very few carbs since January 1st. My physical consisted of talking to my doctor from across the room, not even removing my shoes, let alone any other article of clothing. Didn't even take my shirt off. 

Given the number of physical ailments I've had, which would not be expressed by bloodwork, I find this new method of examination - or lack thereof - troubling.