PURSUIT OF THE MASCULINE

Masculinity.

This means different things to different people. 

In this 21st century world of gender fluidity and gender identity I am going to pause for a moment to describe the attributes I I consider to be key points of masculinity. 

This does not mean I regard anyone with a penis as less than male, nor is it to denigrate women in any way - women may be described as masculine, but need not lose their femininity in order to be strong. That’s a misperception. Nor do men need to be lurking hulks to be masculine. (Think George Clooney as the masculine and Gal Gadot as the feminine in this example.) Men can be soft and gentle without being unmasculine, while women can be powerful and assertive and entirely feminine. This isn’t about labels, it’s about traits.

There’s nothing in my eyes that is wrong with either of those two perspectives, or in the vast rainbow of degrees between those points and elsewhere. Being masculine means carry traits of the traditionally feminine side and, as many people would rightly argue, the guidelines I list below are also Feminine traits. They are.

Masculinity is many things to many people. The below are those things I look for in myself to define my own
perception of masculinity. 

I fully appreciate and embrace the spectrum of genders emerging as people become comfortable with publicly being themselves. By defining my own perception of masculinity I’m simply putting forward guidelines by which I believe I can be what I want to be to be the best version of myself. I am comfortable with being described as masculine, even though I embrace those parts of me in conflict with the classical definition.

I’m a CIS Str8 White Male. And this is how I define how I want to express that.

(And it’s rather sad that the degree of sensitivity on either side of the argument makes it necessary for me to clarify. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if people focused more on helping the poor, the suffering and the truly needy than judging one another for being who they are? In the grand scheme of things, there are billions of people with entirely personal and individual attributes. We’re all born our own ways, and we all carry the experience of our own lifetimes. If people stopped trying to tell other people how to live their lives - and what is correct and incorrect - everyone would be a great deal happier. Well. Most of us. Without being able to judge others some people might have to be introspective, which might come as a shock when they are.)

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So, all necessary caveats and clarifications aside, here’re solely my own set of guidelines for being a masculine male:

1 - A strong sense of self, without arrogance or attitude. 

Men can be horrible posers. Trying too hard at being what they think women and/or other men expect as masculine. As a result we get gruff and pushy guys who think being a bully is masculine, not unlike Biff in the Back to the Future movies or a certain former President of a large country I’m otherwise rather fond of. (The country, not the preening thug formerly at the top.)

They think that being masculine is being aggressive. Frat boy on steroids, to use a popular stereotype. Street thug as another. (Great article in The New Yorker on men's opinions of that sort of toxic masculinity.)

This is, of course, just the opposite of being masculine. Being masculine means you don’t feel the need to demonstrate your testosterone, and are instead calm and strong under the right circumstances. Eric Dane’s Captain of the ship on the tv series The Last Ship, for an example.

Being self-confident is a positive trait, being masculine. Being a dick is not.

Someone who is aggressive and pushy is an indication that person feels the need to overcompensate. Standing firm and calmly assertive, on the other hand, is masculine. I can assert my point without jabbing my pointer finger into your chest.

2 - The ability to be present and even affectionate with other people. Not sexually, but supportively.

The old definition of a masculine male was one who met every difficult circumstance, no matter how overwhelming our devastating, with a stiff upper lip. Think Bogart or Wayne. No tears were shed by either of those actors over long careers as “men’s men.”

In the 21st century men who are confident enough to let down their guard are, to me, far more masculine than our “suck it up!” ancestors. There are certainly times when it’s necessary to suck it up, but gone are the times when men were loners who needed to endure pain without help from their comrades. 

Again it comes down to knowing who you are and being comfortable with your own person. If a friend of mine endures a tragedy in his life he should regard me as a source of comfort and support, not as a bulwark against his own weakness. If he’s going through pain I want him to know I will sit with him and hold him, reassuring him he wasn’t facing anything alone. 

I’ve documented before about my friend who was being overwhelmed by life. We all feel like that times, perhaps even much of the time. It’s a rough world we live in. 

Even though I’ve told the story before, our experience in the jacuzzi one night illustrates the kind of masculinity I was to embrace, how I want to be the best man I can be by being there for others and not being afraid to let my own guard down.

My friend’s more of an old-style masculine guy, trying to suck it up and be strong for everyone else. He’s a Man’s Man in the older sense of the term. I recently blogged about him and his travails, and, as I’ve noted, at the time everything truly seemed to be going sideways for him, and his wife - the person he would traditionally have sought comfort and support from - was part of the difficulties. But my friend held what he insisted was the Biblical definition of the man being in charge of the household, and the woman being submissive to the man. That’s how he defined Masculinity.

One night he was over. We sat in the jacuzzi with a couple glasses of wine, and I let him talk it through. Then I
asked him to trust me, and told him to turn around and lie back on my chest. To my surprise he did it, and I wrapped my arms around him.

“Now, for the next ten minutes I’m in charge,” I said. “I’m running guard, and watching your life for you. You let me take over for a short time. I’ve got it.”

It took him a few minutes to really relax. He was uncomfortable letting his guard down and being held in another man’s arms. HIs older “Man’s Man” perception was in conflict with being held by another guy. Our being naked probably didn’t help.

He didn’t want to be perceived as weak or less than in charge. I told him a few times him to stop worrying about things and just stop. For just a few minutes. Eventually I felt his tension go away and he really did give over to letting someone else be in charge. Twenty minutes later he was still cradled in my arms, and I was in charge for him. He could let go for just a short time, and that meant a lot. 

Years later he thanked me and told me that one night had changed his entire perspective on handling things. That there are times to just let go and not be 100% the Male at the Head of the Pack.

(Unfortunately, as I have chronicled, despite ample opportunity - and need - for him to return the favor over the intervening years, he never did. He regrets it to this day, and we're back to being quite close, but it hurt and still does.)

3 - Giving the gift of physical and emotional pleasure

The same guy also suffered from his wife withholding sex from him, except for doing, as he put it, “her wifely duty.” That’s a term I find pretty sick. Actually, it’s the attitude I find sick. Both hers (it’s her obligation) and his (“she owes it” to him). Either way, it's toxic.

To me the second greatest reward we get from life - the first being the love of another person - is the ability to bring someone else pleasure. Whether it’s a small gift that brightens their day; telling them they look wonderful; or giving them a full-on crotch-pulsing orgasm, the gift of giving someone else pleasure is an important one.

A masculine male should be equally generous with  physical and mental pleasures. Be a source of positive energy and someone others can rely upon for this moments of relief. Sexually speaking, the most masculine man is the one who wants to know what their partner enjoys, what they want to try and letting them feel open to asking for that experience. By helping their partner express themselves sexually at all times. I love oral sex for precisely this reason: it’s a one-way gift of pleasure. And it has an exceptional effect on both participants when done to orgasm. (This also applies to femininity and to all spectrums of identity. The gift of pleasure to a partner is a defining aspect of any relationship.)

A truly masculine male with know how to pleasure their partner and bring pleasure to that partner., and will enthusiastically demonstrate that at any time. The least masculine, the most toxic masculine, is the man who simply uses their partner as a cum deposit box and doesn’t give a damn if the partner enjoys it.

4 - Pursuing physical fitness

This one I have to admit I’m completely off the mark in fulfilling myself, though I hope I'm headed in the right direction. To be sexually appealing, a masculine male must look the part. Yes, I’m being sexist and maybe even fat-shaming. Too bad, this is my list. I’m fat, and don’t feel particularly sexy about it. In fact, I attribute my lack of sexuality over the last decade with a degree of being out of shape for so long that I didn’t make it a focus of my life. Sex was extremely important to me in my teens and twenties, and into my mid-thirties, but waned from my late thirties until several years ago when low testosterone was diagnosed.

In the meantime I was routinely exposed to medical issues in and around my cock, which made sex that much less desirable.

And lastly, my wife lost interest before I did. It became a regular thing for her to ask for a “rain check.” I am now ready for the entire next decade’s hurricane season as far as rain checks, but as regular readers will realize, that ain’t happening for a number of medical reasons. 

And so I am again on a Physical fitness track, working hard to lose weight and at the very least make myself feel more attractive sexually. For my own self-confidence. There is something reassuring to again be awakening with morning wood, To feel a more rigid cock when I’m masturbating. To feel comfortable lying around the house with nothing on, as I noted in the Relax post. 

And repeating myself from some other earlier entries: I want to feel good about myself, and for me that has meant being physically fit and attractive when I’m naked. I posed nude for multiple artists many decades ago, and spent time on nude beaches and in the pool with friends. I have no modesty when it comes to medical situations, though for all of those scenarios I need to feel physically good in order to strip off. I was proud of my body once upon a time, and hope that at some point in this next year I will again.

5 - Cleanliness

My last measure of masculinity is two-sided. On one hand a man should be willing to get as dirty as any situation requires. Being too dainty about getting your hands dirty isn’t particularly masculine. It isn’t really feminine either, as a feminine person ought to also be willing to do any important task without concern for dirt. But a masculine person dives right in and gets things done, then washes up later.

But masculinity also requires cleanliness. If you spend your day working on cars, for example, you probably have oil or other automotive stains on your hands (if not elsewhere). You probably sweat during the day. You probably stink a bit. So, when you get home, dropping into a lounge chair and popping open a drink isn’t masculine, it’s being a slob.

Masculinity - again, these are my definitions - means that when you get home, you clean up. Your partners, spouses, roommates, or dog don’t want you to sit around in your own filth. Well, the dog might. The rest want you to be someone they feel like being around. A fully washed up male is as sexy, or even sexier, than the guy with stinky feet in a sweat-stained t-shirt. If you want someone to sleep with you - both literally and in the metaphoric sense - you ought to be someone they feel like cuddling with, and Stinky Joe just ain’t gonna be that boy.

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There are, of course, hundreds of other things I could list, but these are the - to me - important ones. Your mileage will obviously vary.

But being Masculine, for me, means being confident, clean, fit and a person others look to for support and comfort. It’s being an example of what it means to be a good human being. Masculinity isn’t being a thug or bully, it’s being confident in who you are, in being strong and resourceful, it’s being tolerant and understanding, and being protective of the underdog.

Yes, in many ways this is a traditional viewpoint (Hell, I’m 60), but I hope it’s also a mode modern perspective in that I don’t derive my definition of masculine as the need to dominate or reduce someone else. Being masculine isn’t the ability to force your opinion (or worse) on another person, it’s the ability to listen and help that person be the best they can be too. Masculine isn’t aggressive in this modern world, it’s being coolly confident and capable. It’s being able to give and not take. It’s being a person who is respected and  admired, not feared. 

It’s being a person who others like and want to be around, and is sought out in times of need. Who is physical, thoughtful and supportive.

That, to me, is masculine. Penis not required.