A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE NEVER HURTS

 It's a little intimidating, but the blog is rapidly approaching 50,000 hits. The number boggles my mind as I wrap myself around the idea that my thoughts on sex and my penis have been seen that many times. That breaks down to a little more than 500 views per entry, which is great. (There is a part of me that suggests this must be simple search engine hits, but search engines are a small fraction of the sites sending viewers my way.)

Recently a long-term friend who I trust completely started to read the
blog, and she had the surprising observation that I might be coming across as more Bi than I might be in reality. I openly admit - here, at least - to being Bi, but I find myself far and away attracted to women more than men on an emotional level. In my history, all emotional attachments have been with women. (I'm tempted to use past-tense here, since I haven't really had sex extracurricularly since I started to date my wife.)

Among the observations my friend made is that I feature a lot of pictures of naked men. I think that stands to reason since the purpose of the blog is to discuss my sexuality and medical misadventures in some sort of graphic detail I can't do in "real life." The blog is an anonymous way of parsing through my various psychological and physical issues, and, well, I'm a guy. I have a penis I'm rather fond of and it gets to be the topic of conversation a lot here.

Personally, I love CMNF!

But I get her point: many of the shots - pun intended - are naked men, many with other naked men. Sexually and non-sexually. And it creates the impression, quite accidentally, that I might be a bit more to the gay side of bisexual rather than the straight side. And, as with the term nudist, if I were more gay I would have no problem accepting the label. I have a number of gay friends, and readily accept that's part of who they are, so it would be strange for me to appropriate and apply the term to myself if I don't feel it fits. And I don't, though photographic and blog content to the contrary.

I love people, but it's women I genuinely love and appreciate, not just sexually but emotionally. But over the years I have built up barriers to that appreciation out of courtesy to my wife, and to women in general. A woman's body is a marvelous playground and is loaded with lots of fascinating things that could use some attention. And let's face it, men have only a few and they're concentrated in one area. I also love women's minds and thoughts, and - even though they're at-times really stressful - their emotions.

Women are far more complex and fascinating than guys are. Men are interesting to talk with and, being fully honest, also nice to look at, but I am one and pretty much understand the psychology. And the plumbing. I'm able to enjoy both sexes for what they bring to the table, but women are a lot more fascinating for me intellectually and emotionally.

But, as my friend readily observed, I like to push the envelope, challenge barriers. She called it playing with fire, and she's not wrong. 30+ years of effective single-partner sex, followed by the last handful of years of involuntary abstinence, has left me with few outlets for sexual expression. That's one of the main reasons for the blog, in fact. And nudity with other men is an outlet, without seeming to be the sexual cheating on my wife - though that might be just word salad for some people, it's a very important differentiation for me. It is, perhaps, a way for me to still declare myself a sexual being, even if I'm not actually having sex. I don't necessarily connect nudity with sex, but it does reflect a sexuality - and being a bit of an exhibitionist, as well as sexual envelope-pusher, I can talk about it here and not worry about real-world consequences. 

It's a helluva lot cheaper than therapy.

And in many ways it's why I was so pleased that the intimacy with my male friend has been restored, and why, I guess, I am becoming more and more interested in nudity as a type of expression. That he and I can again just hang out naked creates an openness lacking in so many of my other relationships. Being nude around other guys somehow doesn't seem like cheating on my wife, it seems like guys being guys. If it were to evolve into something sexual, that would be different and - as I've discussed - a few years ago I might've gone with the temptation and ruined the friendship.

There's a lot more to parse in her notes, including issues relating to nudism, sexuality and others, but I'm sticking a marker in the sand on that at the moment.

Oh. And for my friend, the pictures in this entry are for her: lots of penis-free shots of naked women and straight couples having fun and giving women pleasure. Things I enjoy(ed) doing myself. 

Just to balance the spreadsheet, so to speak.