THE ART OF TOUCH

This is a difficult entry to write. I've been putting it off and off and off. Every time I go to write down my thoughts I'm blocked.

So. Just sucking it up and starting.

I am going through a rough patch emotionally. I would never, ever bring this up to my wife. She's having too many issues of her own given her medical challenges, and I am here strictly to support her. But I'm really having difficulty handling the fact we rarely touch.

I am a tactile person. Very physically demonstrative and affectionate. With friends as well as loved ones. I love touching people and being touched. Not simply sexually, though who doesn't like that if it's done with the proper approach and affection? I crave the feel of skin to skin contact. Of hands on hands. Of face to face. Nuzzles and gentle cuddling.

I'm missing both simple touch and the more complex tactile communications.

I firmly believe that all humans are mentally and physically healthier with a generous dose of touch from another person. Massages, hugs, simple touches. I am personally conditioned to give and get as much contact as possible, and I am suffering, I think, because it's not there.

I've accepted the fact I'm unlikely to have vaginal sex ever again, or even to perform oral on a woman. I've accepted that intercourse is off the table for us, and I won't seek it elsewhere. I am open to the possibility of homosexual sex, but only under limited circumstances. No affection. No relationship.

I am emotionally devoted and committed to my wife.

I do get a small degree of physical contact once a month or so when I visit my physical therapist, but it's not the same thing as regular and sustaining doses. Once upon a time I gave massages as well as received them. Once upon a time by best buddy and I could spend time in the hot tub, just holding each other and getting ourselves through the challenges we each experienced.

(As I've noted here before my friend and I seem to have fallen away from that support system, that level of affection. )

(I think he experienced what they call cognitive dissonance between being openly affectionate with another man, and his religious and personal fear of homosexuality. He would deny the latter, but it's clear in 50/50 hindsight. It's been three plus years since he and I last bonded that way, and I'm not going to allow for any openings in the future given his past behavior. To be honest, I felt abandoned by him at one of the most critical junctures in my life. Both of my parents passed away within a year of each other and I desperately needed my friend, and frankly he was nowhere to be seen. Yeah, it's a whole other story for another time.)

And so now I find myself craving the contact of another human being. Nothing which would be a violation of my vows or my devotion to my wife. Nothing sexual. Just touch. Openness. That feeling of warmth. Nudity possibly, sex no.

And it's beginning to wear on me.

Yeah, that's all I have for now. It's not easy writing this entry. With everything I've shared to date - which has been a lot of intimate detail of my life - I'm not sure why this one topic is proving to be rougher than most. Possibly because I have yet to deal with it and come to grips (no pun intended) with how it impacts my life.

Maybe I just need a hug.