BABY STEPS AND A LONGTERM PLAN

Life, Part 1: 

My obsession with sex and sexuality seems to be reaching some sort of fever pitch. I’m constantly thinking about it, and it may have something to do with getting back into physical shape. As my body responds to increasing demands on it physically, it’s responding with a renewed sexual appetite. Kind of to be expected, but not the easiest of things to deal with when your left hand is your only lover.

Sexually I am extremely frustrated. At the moment it would seem I need to resign myself that the fact I won’t see a sexually aroused naked woman any time soon. (In person, that is.) I won’t touch or taste a vagina, two of my favorite sexual activities. I won’t feel the pleasure of a woman’s mouth on my cock. Or the moment of penetration as I enter her.

All of which I really want to do, and really miss. And it wasn’t until my physical rebirth that I realized how important that is for me. I was genuinely oversexed in High School and College. I admit that. And very kinky, too. Not in a BDSM or scat sort of way, but in a role-playing, exhibitionist, try-anything-once sort of way. (And no minors once I was over 18 myself.) I was, and definitely am re-becoming, fond of CXNX. (Clothed person, Naked person.) Meaning one person is naked and the other is clothed. I’m not into dominant submissive, which seems to be the purview of CFNM these days. I just enjoy the openness, as I have discussed previously. But I at least get to pursue this with my wife, who doesn’t seem terribly bothered by my nudity. Just nothing sexual about the encounter, and there doesn’t need to be for CFNM to be an enjoyable time.

But sexually there’s nowhere for me to focus my energies, so I’m focussing on simply getting more fit. Which may be gasoline on a fire, but at least it’s something.

This morning was my third morning routine of 25 minutes of cardio. In addition to walking the dogs and increased activities around the house. Tomorrow will be my first day of a work schedule - four to eight plus hours on my feet, often moving up and down ladders and through the aisles. It’s an active job. And I try to add swimming as much as I can, though the presence of workers at our house is limiting me.

I’m also continuing the jelqing, and only masturbating to orgasm once every two to three days. As a result I’ve had semi-morning wood for the last two days.

So my body is waking up.

I’ve promised myself a few things, some of which is motivational. There are, at this point, four major goals ahead: getting back down to my low weight point of two years ago. It’s about twenty pounds less than I am right now.

Then there’s a major milestone around fifteen pounds below that. 

And my target weight twenty pounds below that.

For each goal I’m giving myself a reward.

The first goal gets me a full-body massage. Different from the kind of bodywork I get with my therapist, this is strictly illegitimate and designed with the solitary aims of relaxation and release. Preferably oral. And from a man, not a woman to keep my guilt complex out of overdrive.

The second goal, 35 pounds from now, earns me a naked weekend up in the Mojave desert. Hiking, and an overnight stay in a B&B with an outdoor tub so I can gaze up at the stars. (I have a hot tub at home, but I live in a large city.) Clothes only as necessary when I’m at the store or driving around publicly. As I’ve pointed out before I’m not a nudist, but this, I think, will be immensely freeing. I already prefer being pantless as much as socially acceptable (pretty much only when I’m home alone…), and I do my morning cardio in the buff, so it’s a natural progression.

The final goal - and this is subject to discussion with my wife - is a tattoo. I know, shocks me too. I’ve never considered one before, but I’ve found myself intrigued and feel it’s a solid and final exclamation point towards declaring myself free of my previous inhibitions. It will be an ankh, the ancient Egyptian symbol for Life. I think that’s fitting.

I’m choosing life.

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Life, Part 2:

As it often does, the universe has opted to toss a wrench in my carefully crafted plans above.

This afternoon I’m meeting with my urologist to come up with a specific treatment plan for my lower left quadrant. As my regular readers know, I have had constant problems with my left testicle, a recurrent left side hernia, problems with my left kidney, and specific aches and pains which ought not be experienced in the area. Formal diagnosis is a vericocele - or varicose vein - in my left nut. 

For the moment the doctor is taking a wait and see approach. No cutting, for now

Then, in addition to the varicocele, there’s a serious swelling in my left groin. Noticeable versus my right side. I have the fat pad, but this is even more pronounced. In fact, it seems to be pushing my penis further to the right. Six months ago I’d guess Lil Rambler was offset from centerline by about half. Now the entirety of my cock is right of centerline. And an increasing bend - still slight, but noticeable - in the shaft.

I have no idea what this means or signifies. My guess is more invasive tests and exposure. And while I maintain a strong mental medical fetish, this is absolutely not my doing or preference. I’d prefer to keep the sharp objects and radiation away from Lil Rambler and the boys. My balls were meant for gentle coddling, not sutures and incisions despite my medical history on the subject.

And next month my third round of kidney-stone-blasting lithotripsy. Hopefully this time they do more than just wing the stone. Third time is either a charm, or third time  I'm out - and get a stent up my cock to retrieve the stone directly. Been there a few times before (for reasons other than a kidney stone, but the net effect is still getting tubes rammed up the urethra).

So here we go. 

Film at Eleven.