ONE FROM THE HEART

I'm sitting here in the dark in my home office wearing nothing more than a t-shirt, and naked from the waist down. I commented on it just recently here on the blog that it's my preferred mode of attire. It's a comfortable and open way for me to be. If society let me, there's a chance I'd never wear pants again.

Unfortunately, it's not how I can always dress at home.

I would love it, but it makes my wife uncomfortable. She perceives it as a sexual thing, not as a matter of comfort, and anything sexual, in her mind, is a cause for stress. I swim nude in our pool and lay out that way, which she is fine with, but sitting pantsless on the couch is not. (I always put a towel or underwear underneath me - I'm not a total beast.)

Preferred style of dress

On vacation I will often take time to go without pants. I simply love the feeling of being unconstricted and open. It's not a sexual thing, and I've mentioned on previous entries that I have done this with a few friends of like-minds. It's an intimate thing, a level of trust. Of bonding above and beyond simple friendship. It's a level of comfortable intimacy.

(Years ago I knew an artist - I've referenced him a few times - who was a nudist. He preferred to conduct business naked, stating that it was his way of conveying openness and  honesty in his dealings. I get that.)

But there's a reason my wife quietly objects, I think. In her mind, as it is with most other people: nudity equates to sex.

She doesn't understand that I simply like to be pants-free, and that I don't expect anything sexual as a result of being naked. Half naked,  really. It's possible she simply doesn't want to see Little Rambler hanging out all the time. She, I think, fears that my being naked means I am pushing for sex, though I've explained that I am not it still seems to be an uncommented division between us. And so I wear pants even in situations I don't need to.

But that sort of brings me to my thoughts for this morning.

The functional purpose of this blog is for me to openly discuss my sexuality. As I've reported previously a medical condition has eliminated sex with my wife. It's not her fault, so I cannot be resentful in any way shape or form, but I *am* feeling quite deprived.

Vacation mode

Sexual intimacy is - to me - one of the primary aspects of being a whole and fully connected human being. Having that other person (or persons) who knows you intimately is part of being an adult, and part of being connected. It is one of the primary enhancements of any intimate relationship.

And simple skin to skin contact is an essential way we, as humans -- or many other species on this planet -- remain part of the greater whole. Touch is fundamental. We see it in any social animal.

Even at the best of times my wife were was never very experimental sexually. Missionary position was the de facto default. As I have noted previously she really isn't into oral sex. She'll do it, but given that I know she doesn't enjoy giving it - and seems uncomfortable receiving it - prevents me from fully enjoying it myself, and anal isn't something she will consider. (Vaginal is prevented by the above-mentioned medical condition. She is unable to have vaginal sex without a great deal of pain.)

Relaxing

And so there is something missing from my life - our lives - which is dear to me. I look back and appreciate that I have been fortunate to have been highly experimental in my past. That I did things I can look back on fondly (and a few with regret).

Naked bonding with friends

But I accept it. I have no other option, really.

There are a few friends I can express these feelings with and get a sympathetic ear. And others with whom I can comfortably go naked from the waist down. So I'm handling it. But given the purpose of this blog, the need to put some of these feelings down in print, I am covering it here.

So I am feeling deprived and a little unhappy. Not for the lack of sex, but for the lack of intimacy.

And so it goes.

It's not sexual, it's emotional