WELCOME...TO FANTASY ISLAND!

Like most people, I have an active fantasy life. Sexual, social, aspirational. The things I know are unlikely, but I still daydream about them. Winning the lottery. Moving to a fabulous New York apartment. Being nominated (and winning) a major award of some kind. Of fulfilling myself sexually at an exotic resort in the Caribbean.


These are all fantasies of one sort or another, and almost all of us entertain them at one point or another. And in some cases, those fantasies can come true.

In my own fantasy life my daydreams run to some fairly pedestrian levels. And in many cases I managed to fulfill them in some previous iteration of my life, and the fantasy is to have the opportunity to do it again. Chances are remote I'll ever have the chance to have a threesome again. Or fuck on a remote beach. Or wander around naked around friends.

On the other hand, it's entirely possible I'll find myself naked in the pool or hot tub with friends...just no sex involved. Which, from my current point of view, would be fine. I'm far more into physical contact than actual sex, possibly as a result of my enforced celibacy (discussed many times here on the blog in the past).

I believe that most peoples' sexual fantasies have two possible channels: Forbidden (and yet exciting); and Experimentation.

In the former we imagine things which cannot possibly happen for social or relationship reasons, but would be sexually very exciting if they did. Sex with a celebrity, for example. An illicit affair for another. BDSM. The sorts of things that if you pursued them solo might go tragically wrong.

Experimentation is a bit less dangerous in many peoples' eyes. Same sex hookups. Group sex with your partner and someone new. Exhibitionism.

And, like others, I have some of each.

My exhibitionist fantasies run more towards finding myself naked in situations where sex is not necessarily on the agenda.And, again, these are things I've done in the past but see very little opportunity to repeat in the future. CFNM. CMNM. CMNF. I could be the naked person, or the clothed -- it's the experience of being totally open with another person that nudity is simply part of the relationship. (I've mentioned this recently in a couple of other columns, and am fortunate to have a couple outlets for that sort of thing. I would never have sex with another woman - far too loyal to my wife for that - but simple nudity is something I can fantasize about without too much angst. On the other hand I do frequently experience CMNM with my physical therapist...)

(There are some people, maybe even the majority, of CFNM/CMNM practitioners who view it from a sexually dominant/submissive standpoint. I don't. Dominance, BDSM and other forms of sexual situations in which one person is dominating another have no interest for me. I prefer everyone in the room be equals, and derive pleasure from the sheer act of being open and free, whether it's sexually or just socially.)

(The same thing applies towards my attitudes about bisexuality. Too many of the videos and postings about bisexual married men - in particular - have it as a result of femdom abuse. To me being bisexual is an indication of freedom, not forced sex. I love the post-porn films in which men are as free to explore bisexuality as women have traditionally been permitted to, such as in the films Le Baiser and The Fantasy Project. Nothing about forced behavior appeals to me, though I recognize a lot of people get off on it. To each their own, but leave the leather and cuffs at home in my case.)

And I admit to thoughts of group sex with people we know. Those fall under the Forbidden category. In the first place my wife would never go for such a thing, and in the second it would likely cost some friendships.

So I am left with an active imagination and some rare naked moments. Undraped on a massage table. Naked with friends in the jacuzzi. Sitting on the balcony of a resort with my pants off.

In some ways it's probably good I am in poor condition and overweight. It's a good braking mechanism for my exhibitionist fantasies. Part of my masculine self-image is formed by pride in my physical appearance, which is lacking these days (hey, I'm 58 years old, gimme a break!). I love being male and being masculine, and when I was trim and athletic I enjoyed being a free spirit.

Back in the day....

 In thinking about this I remembered my days of being in great shape and realized that a good portion of that time was spent as naked as I could get. And, in an admission, I did a fair amount of cocaine and alcohol "back in the day"*, the single most impactful part of which usually involved me shucking clothes.

(* - Not together. I discovered early on that they kind of canceled each other out.)

There were more than a few occasions when I'd snort some coke or drink a little too much wine and start to get warm, eventually doffing my clothes at a party or at someone's apartment. Luckily my "crowd" quickly accepted it. One gay friend actually used it to some advantage, and became a supplier of free coke to me, knowing it would be a short amount of time before I'd be naked in his apartment as we sat and talked or at one of his parties. It didn't occur to me until I'd lost touch with the guy that this was what he'd been doing, but in the mirror of 20/20 hindsight it was pretty obvious.

Never had sex with him or any of his friends, but they certainly got an eyeful on a regular basis. And yeah, I was probably a bit of a tease. No touching allowed.

(As I'm going through this I realized we probably were early adopters of the fetishistic "Naked Straight Guys", even though I was more Str8 than straight.)

I've mentioned before my medical fantasies. I'm blessed, in a way, in that I actually am living out some of that exhibitionism...but at the same time I'm very much cursed for exactly the same reasons. I appreciate and enjoy medical fetishism upon occasion. Not in reality, but in my fantasies. Never actually pursued it as a sexual practice, other than as fodder for solitary masturbation.

I am also more than a bit of a voyeur, which probably comes as no surprise given the posts I've made over the last couple of years. There's a term, Scopophilia, which means "Love of Looking".

(Wikipedia describes it as "In the fields of psychology and psychiatry, the terms scopophilia and scoptophilia describe a person's deriving aesthetic pleasure from looking at something and from looking at someone. In human sexuality, the term scoptophilia describes the sexual pleasure that a person derives from looking at prurient objects of eroticism, such as pornography, the nude body, and fetishes, etc., as a substitute for actual participation in a sexual relationship.")


Yes, I've watched people fuck, suck, grope and touch. One of my earliest sexual experiences - the night I lost my virginity, in fact - involved a New Years Eve party in which two of my very drunk friends sat next to each other on a couch across my chair. After I few minutes his hand was down the front of her jeans as they kissed passionately. I found I was enjoying the view of two people as they explored each others' bodies.

They got more and more amorous until his hand slipped into her waistband, and he began masturbating her. She unzipped his pants and returned the favor. (Little did any of us know it was going to cause one helluva scene the next day when she remembered and he did not.) I sat watching them, and was not embarrassed about it. I was aroused - not in a "jump in and join" way, but as an observer. Shortly thereafter a girl I'd only met that night decided to put the woody in my trousers to good use and took me to the nearby bathroom to introduce me to the world of fucking. (I'd done other sexual things prior to this, but it was my first time entering a woman - and I have to say it was everything I'd hoped it would be. I was all of fifteen.)

 I enjoy touch, particularly skin on skin connections which are an important socializing rite, and spend at least some of my erotic thought time on dreaming about physical contact. I've mentioned that my closest dorm friends and I would touch each other intimately, though not sexually. Grabbing the occasional dick if the guy was changing in front of you. Or sitting on a couch, hand high up on his leg, resting against the bulge in his pants as we talked about some personal problem or other drama in our lives. A gentle nudge of the crotch to convey "buck up, buddy, I'm here for you." Again, not in a sexual fashion, but as a way of deepening our friendships and establishing the bond that comes with such intimacy.

(One should never underestimate the value of a gentle crotch nudge on a man. Given the right relationship and contact it can be a marvelously intimate gesture. I had a girlfriend who was expert at it, using it in public situations when she couldn't say anything. But a gentle squeeze under the table, or nudge in a crowd always put me right. It wasn't about sex, it was about intimate communication.)

I lack that in my current life, and so imagining it as an element of my friendship with my best bud has become a bit of a fantasy. Despite the fact we've been naked with each other on numerous occasions, genital touch is - so far - out of bounds. We'll see if fantasy becomes reality at some point.

So fantasy is an essential part of who we are.

Some people have fantasies about group sex. Bisexuality. Dungeons and Dragons. Exhibitionism. Naturism. BDSM. Sex with "forbidden" partners. Our individual fantasies can define us in ways we might not realize, and are a look into our deeper psyche if we're open to mentally explore them. It's a way we can understand ourselves both sexually and socially.

And get ourselves off in the process.