TOUCHA-TOUCHA-TOUCHA-TOUCH ME....

I'm having a relatively difficult time at the moment when it comes to sex.

I've mentioned that my wife, through absolutely no fault or choice on her part, has become very sex-averse. A medical condition has made intercourse painful, and she's not into oral sex. Which leaves the very occasional hand job. It's not terribly satisfying to me since it's the sort of thing I can do myself. I'm sexually very adventurous, yet I'm now essentially celibate through no choice on my own part.

I was discussing this with my friend a week or so ago, and he - being more than a little old school - was shocked. In his opinion she has to satisfy me. In his mind it's part of the "wifely" duty.

I didn't tell him this, but I find myself put off by this sort of attitude, and I am certain my wife's reaction to being told it's her duty to get me off would be greeted with...well, let's just say it wouldn't go well. Nor should it.

It isn't a wife's duty to get her man off. Any more than it's the man's "duty" to get her off. We do it out of love. We do it because it's fun as hell.

But not because we have to.


Years ago - in my early teens - I made the discovery that when I was told I "have" to do something it automatically became less enjoyable. One of my favorite books as a kid was Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer. Terrific book. I'd read it three or four times by the time I got to Junior High School.

Then, in Jr High I was assigned Tom Sawyer by a teacher, and I couldn't get through it. I didn't want to read it. And I haven't read it since.

Telling my wife it's her duty to get me off would be a disaster not only because it's the wrong thing to do, but because it would take what little enjoyment there is in a handjob from both of us. Once it becomes necessary, it becomes a chore, not a pleasure. And I've found that while I love oral sex the knowledge that she does not takes a degree of pleasure out of it.

Honestly, I don't really know how good my friend's sex life is - based on what he tells me I presume it's pretty good and he enjoys it - but from all accounts his wife considers it a chore.

Years ago, after having children, he used to tell me their sex lives dried up. She didn't like to be touched. Not sure he's ever made the connection that his demands for sex might have had something to do with it. (In his defense he's also told me how he's tried to satisfy her, and how his efforts have been rebuffed for years. She's just not that into sex. It's a similar situation, only I don't call my wife out for not "doing her duty".)

In my case we've had some medical causes for my plight. At roughly the same time I went into Testosterone treatment my wife had her medical condition occur. Again, I want to be explicit that this isn't her fault or desire. It's a medical reality.

But at the same time I have become highly sexualized and hornier than any time since maybe my teens and twenties while she became literally unable to have sex. Not a good situation.

But I am making do, and have discovered, in my fifties, that touch is an important part of dealing with my frustration. And I don't mean touches to my cock or balls, though that's really, really nice and to be encouraged. But touch in general. Hugs. Massages. Hands on the shoulder. Physical contact.



(I once had a girlfriend who had the perfect way to do this: when she sensed I was unhappy or needed encouragement she just gently nudged my crotch - typically we were with or around other people - to get me to open up. Not a grope or grab, just a gentle nudge. It worked. It wasn't sexual, but it was intimate. And it reminded me I wasn't alone. I know, it seems dumb to outsiders, but it worked.)

So, I'm working within those parameters. It's an emotional thing, really. Touch is important for all of us. We're a social species which all-too-often seeks solitude or is afraid of touch.

Which might have something to do with the cultural animosity we're all feeling these days. Maybe we just need a good hug...

But until then, I'm on my own.